Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
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“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”