@vinnycrack: bae is acting so cute and imaginary tonight
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@dave_cactus: [at my dad's funeral after he drowns] ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It's what he would have wanted...
@NikkiNeverAgain: Was told I can't use Wi-Fi at McDonald's unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
@heatherjs: Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
@HeyZeus666: Fatherhood Tip : If there's puke in your coat pocket and poop on your shoulder, you're holding the baby upside down.