toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
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I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.