doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
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Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.