The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
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It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
*Seductively hides in the woods
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace