My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
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Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
just make the entire table out of coaster
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer