Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
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If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
incredible
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*