My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
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I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation