Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
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“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
no one ever comes back
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
this is uni
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t