Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
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I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.