[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
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A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.