[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
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If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this