*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
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Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
Ron is short for Aaronald
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
What number SPF blocks people?
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.