@Matt_The_1st: I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan

@KeetPotato: [on quiz show] "and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?" *leans way too close into the microphone* spend it alex

@Mikecanrant: The reason I like Twitter is because the ladies on here LIKE being followed. Unlike like little miss restraining order down the street.

@Jaybberwocky: Had day surgery - came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with. So apparently I'm offensive even when unconscious.

@BoozeWallet: I point my gun at the bank teller and order him to fill my bag with cash but he struggles because the bag is already full of tacos.