Based Erika
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i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.