-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
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She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.