-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
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Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!