*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
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just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife