Baller is short for ballerina
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Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
twitter users today:
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
my friends when i can’t do basic math
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”