Baller is short for ballerina
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5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys