Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
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[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.