According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
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I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.