Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
You Might Also Like
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
seems like a niche market
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*