4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
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Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.