Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
You Might Also Like
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
Tough love is true love
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak