Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
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my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.