Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
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[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem