Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
You Might Also Like
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
Get in loser we’re going crying
From Facebook just now…
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
🍛