[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
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Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
Ok, but like, how married are you?
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six