BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
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Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”