[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
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If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!