band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
You Might Also Like
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!