Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
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When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
Leaving the Barbers like
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.