My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
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Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?