Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
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Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
*eats only grass-fed donuts
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.