@joeljeffrey: Bands who can't afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
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@POTerritory: Strange how FB doesn't automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
@imchriskelly: At grandma's. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, "Look who's finally up. We thought you were dead!"
@ibid78: [in hospital] -dude what happened? "I got hit by a bu- [a bus taps on the window, does neck slice motion] -I mean I fell down the stairs"