Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
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I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”