*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
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Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.