*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
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How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
I feel it
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”