*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
You Might Also Like
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu