*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
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Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
Oh boy, $150,000!
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.