*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
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*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
lmfao
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.