Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
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oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
Wednesday
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside