[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
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He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
Van Gone
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
me, too, girl. me, too.
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better