[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
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Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.