[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
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people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.