See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
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Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
Feel. He’s so soft.
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
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Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane