Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
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“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine