bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
You Might Also Like
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.