bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
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A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.