bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
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Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
Happy Caturday!
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.